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Here's a tip for Apple: Invent iSolation

by RACHEL GREEN, C&J 371

Everyone has a cell phone these days. I remember the first cell phone my parents got. I was about 13. It was a giant contraption that my mom schlepped around. It was so big that it wrapped around her head like a space helmet and it had a long antenna sticking out of the top.

She never got good reception though, so she’d always be repeating herself and yelling into the helmet as she walked around in the grocery store. She was never embarrassing….

Thank God for technology advancement. Where would the world be without cell phones?

Now phones are just so super cool. The brand new iPhone is not just a cellular telephone, but also an iPod, a camera, and a computer with wireless internet. Who needs other people in their life when they have the cool new iPhone? Now people can listen to their iPod, talk on the phone, and constantly be connected to their Myspace to stay updated with how many times people have viewed their blogs on their cat’s urinary tract infection. Finally, true solitary confinement.

It’s not enough though. I was thinking that it would be great if Apple could add a transportation device as well with their iPhones so that I wouldn’t have to take a second mortgage out on my house to pay for both my car insurance and cell phone bills. I have it all figured out.

There would be a button that you push that transforms your iPhone into a glass tube. You step inside it where it disintegrates you and then itself into a billion microscopic particles and you travel to your desired destination. The glass tube would then reassemble both of you and, once outside of the glass tube, push the button once more to return the glass tube to your iPhone.

This process would be a perfectly natural one, of course of disassembling and reassembling atoms. The most important part here is that you’re outside the tube before pushing the button to morph it back into your cell phone. Otherwise, you’re going to be trapped inside, and they haven’t quite figured out how to get a human out of a cell phone yet.

It can even come with an air freshener so that your glass tube stays smelling sweet while you take your McDonald’s in there with you every time.

It’ll be sans interference you won’t have to be disturbed by anyone or anything. Ever.
Look, Apple. I just created the new feature for your awesome iPhone. You can name it the iSolation. Transportation now included! Only $400 million when purchased with a two-year transportation insurance plan! Free air freshener included! (Personal therapist not included, see contract for details).

Maybe you’re paying a little more for your phone plan now that you have the iSolation, but what more could you want from your cell phone? Your whole life can be contained in this one tiny electronic device. You’ll never need anyone or anything else ever again..

November 30, 2007

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