Jokes

 

You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gi’s. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto. You know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm. You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides. You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.

You Might Be a Martial Artist If... You find yourself casually standing in a half cat stance. You trip, go into a roll and come up in a fighting stance. In church. You answer your boss "Ussss." You put your hands together in a martial arts bow position (one hand open the other closed) after grace at the dinner table. You tie your bathrobe belt in a square knot. Then check to make sure the ends are exactly even. You accept change from the cashier using a perfect knife hand with the thumb carefully tucked in. Every time you handle a screwdriver or razor knife, etc. You just can't help changing grip from hammer to reverse to flip over to dagger grip etc. And your shop help is standing cautiously far, far away from you. When you're outside doing landscaping/gardening you "practice" with all the neat weapons.

What did the purple belt say to her sensei, when she was promoted to brown belt? San Kyu.

 

Martial Arts Terms:
Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy
without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know
how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in
about 20 places.
Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronounciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.
Bo: A stick.
Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.
Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.
Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop superhuman strength.
Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.
Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during
training.
Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium.
Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.
Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.
Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the
samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting
art developed around the principle of "look how big
mine is".
Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.
Jujitsu: A lot like judo expect that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth."
Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural
products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.
Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.
Katana: A sharp metal stick.
Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??
Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.
Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained
advanced rank after long years of study or has started
his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least
4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master
by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.
Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.
Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.
Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas.
Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.
Tae kwon do: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.
Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.
Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.
Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together.
Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so

 

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