ENG 221
Best Words, Best Order

Sentence Workshop: Revise these excerpts applying Rule 14 & 17 from Strunk & White

14: Use the Active Voice
17: Omit Needless Words

I stared, fascinated by the scene that was layed out before me. My eyes took their time rolling over each detail of the diorama. It was a scene from The Wizard of Oz—a recreation of the part where they are all flying off in the balloon. It was huge and the models looked so real. It was as if the actors were there themselves. I wonder if it was really that amazing.

My mother’s hometown of Corozal was where she learned to cook, milk animals, play sports, and fix just about anything. Being raised as a poor farmer’s daughter forced her to learn. Being there was a game for us—drinking the goat’s milk, helping kill the chickens for supper, bathing in a barrel—but to her it was a harsh look in the past. Learning poverty at that age—six-nearly-seven-was an early awakening, but a strong impression. It was thrilling and frightening, seeing what had made my family what it was.

When I was sixteen, I finally got to go to a concert of theirs. I was so excited to finally see them. I wonder if the line was really as long as it seemed, because it seemed to take hours to get into the doors. As I walked into the small dank space I was overwhelmed by the atmosphere of the concert. There were many people clustered around the stage. Every person was unique looking with hair from all the colors from a crayon box.