Instructions for de-worming your cat.
(Courtesy of the Seattle Veterinarian Clinic and Screen Door company)

1. Place the cat comfortably in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
   
   
2. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
   
   
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
   
   
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from ceiling fan. Call a friend to come over to help.
   
   
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Have friend hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
   
   
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
   
   
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with its head just visible from below friends armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow through drinking straw.
   
   
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Oh well, everyone can use de-worming once in a while. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold Seltzer water and soap.
   
   
9. Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck with just head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubber band.
   
   
10. Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
    
    
11. Call 911 to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take lastpill from foil wrap.
    
    
12. Bind cats front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with salad tongs. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of salmon filet. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of milk down throat to wash pill down.
    
    
13. Get friend to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on way home to order new table.
    
    
14. Call Seattle Veterinarian Clinic and Screen Door company to make house call.