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by Michael E. Campana
(being a semi-fictional account of my sabbatical adventures, designed to amuse; to be read with a dose of skepticism)
14 November 2002
Seen on a bumper in Berkeley: "Regime change begins at home" (courtesy of Peter Gleick).
We had a good meeting in Tbilisi, Georgia. The meeting was sponsored by OSCE and USAID and dealt with some of the transboundary water issues in the Kura-Araks river basin, including conflict prevention. Many of the OSCE field people from Azerbaijan, Armenia (who don't have diplomatic relations) and Georgia were in attendance. As usual, it was interesting listening to some of the tales from the OSCE folks. One told of us a former post in a country that was so proud because they had banned the death penalty. When he inquired as to how they had previously executed criminals, he was told that they did so by firing squad, with the riflemen arranged in a circle around the victim. Something for Texas to consider.
We stayed at the Tbilisi Marriott, which, along with the Sheraton, is one of the five-star hotels in Tbilisi. One of my colleagues, at a meeting at the Marriott last July, was awakened by three bomb blasts in the park across the street one morning at 3 AM. We looked at him anxiously and inquired "Chechens?" He said no - the Sheraton's thugs had set off the bombs. Turns out that the aforementioned hotels are owned by rival crime gangs who occasionally try to intimidate each other (works on the guests as well). Judging by the looks of the bodyguards around the Marriott and the bulges under their suits (no, not there!) the Marriott's thugs were probably capable of similar feats. They also help keep the guests' complaints to a minimum. The local McDonald's franchise is owned by one of the gangs, so if someone wants to interest you in a Burger King or Wendy's in Tbilisi, take a pass. One advantage to the bombings - if one occurs while you're registered, you get triple frequent-flyer miles.
Georgia is a beautiful little country. The Caucasus Mountains, higher than the Alps, are in the north and separate it from Chechnya and all the "troubles" there (well, maybe not all). The Georgians are extremely hospitable and proud to note that theirs was the second country (after Armenia, I believe) to become Christian, and remained so even during the expansion of Islam. Georgians have long been tolerant of many different faiths and ethnicities (the South Ossetians and Abkhaz may want to comment on this) and have produced an inordinate number of painters, musicians, dancers, poets, etc. What's surprising is that such a place could have also produced one of the monsters of history, Josef Stalin. Legend has it that when Stalin visited his hometown of Macon after becoming dictator he greeted his mother with "So, I see you're still a whore."
My presentation on the Kura-Araks river basin, which extends across Georgia, Armenia and Azerbaijan, went well. The trouble started when I finished. No sooner was I off the stage when two men, one a huge Jack Palance double with a very bad haircut, and a smaller one, who vaguely resembled Dom DeLuise, accosted me. The little guy was the interpreter, and he proceeded to tell me that the big guy was a member of Azerbaijan's parliament and Minister of the Interior. I almost started laughing, because I immediately conjured up visions of John Cleese's "Ministry of Silly Walks" routine, but I controlled myself and feigned a cough. The MP was quite upset because the map I had used showed the disputed (between Azerbaijan and Armenia) enclave Nagorno-Karabakh as a color distinct from all the other three countries (mathematicians know this as the four-color map problem). The color implied that it was not part of Azerbaijan (or any other country, for that matter) when it should be (according to the Azeris). I tried to explain this to the big guy, but he said that the map was an affront to the people of Azerbaijan. I thought about saying "Like your corrupt politicians?" or "You know, you have a really bad haircut." but figured those would not be good things to say, especially at a conflict-prevention workshop. He demanded that I delete the offensive map. I thought about telling him that I couldn't, because the CD was read-only, but didn't think he would understand. I finally decided to escape from my predicament by just handing him the CD and telling him not to look at the classified material I also had on there in the file labelled "IAEA". The interpreter looked perplexed and the big guy looked surprised, but they didn't follow me as I walked away. I saw them later and the big guy smiled and waved. Guess there were some things on the CD I forgot about.
I distributed my "port-a-nuke" flyers but learned that there are 8, not 2, missing devices. Actually, in turns out the problem is more severe than a few missing portable nuclear power plants. There are apparently canisters of cesium-137 left over from some Russian experiments of years ago. Recovering all this stuff is critical, not just for the safety of the locals, but because the radioactive material could be used in a "dirty" bomb. Okay, now which students want to do field work with me in Georgia next summer?
I flew to Georgia on Turkish Airlines through Istanbul. I had an 8-hour layover
there, but Ataturk International Airport is one of the better places to have
a long layover. You can watch Midnight Express and Gallipoli on the waiting
room monitors. Hey, where else do you have Coke machines that take 5,000,000-lira
bills? I could have taken a non-stop from Vienna on Austrian Airlines but could
not see paying $1650 versus $600 even though the Carnegie Foundation was paying
my way (Andrew, as the frugal Scot, would have been proud of me; as the shrewd
businessman, he would have thought how stupid to waste that much time). But
I didn't waste any time; I brought along a lot to do. After a hiatus of 5-6
years I had picked up a Margaret Atwood novel, The Blind Assassin. I managed
to knock off 20 pages. Can't understand it - I used to love her writing. Then
again, I used to love "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" by Iron Butterfly, too.
What was it Dorothy Parker said about novels not to be taken lightly? I read
something interesting about Atwood - her views on feminism were partially shaped
by her experience as a graduate student, where, in her department, the female
graduate students were expected to serve tea each afternoon. So where did she
go to grad school? Radcliffe and Harvard.
Okay, back to Turkey. The Justice and Development Party (AKP) just won the elections,
and it'll be interesting because the AKP is the Islamic party and Turkey prides
itself on being a secular Islamic state. Turkey is desperate to join the EU,
but its economy still suffers from hyperinflation, and there are some other
minor issues involving human rights, Kurds, etc. When I first visited Turkey
seven years ago, one dollar bought 48,000 lira; now it buys 1,650,000. I spent
15,600,000 lira on dinner, and that was at Burger King! Former French President
Valery Giscard d'Estaing, head of the EU constitutional convention, recently
won few friends in Turkey by saying that it should never be in the EU because
it is not a European country and implied that because of its high birth rate
and Muslim population, it would not be welcome. Hey Val, can you say "Liberty,
Fraternity, Equality"?
The central European fall is in full swing. The weather varies daily from gray, cold and wet to dark, freezing and damp. Today it's different: gray, cold, damp and foggy. So when am I leaving? To escape this, I am visiting Stuttgart this weekend, assuming the fog lifts.
I return late on December 4, unless United Airlines tanks on November 30, in which case I will spend the remainder of my sabbatical at Dulles Airport.
While in Como, Italy, Mary Frances and I were shocked to learn that Alessandro Volta, the discoverer of the battery (behind the counter at Walgreen's), is a native of the area. Legend has it that he was annoyed with the frequent power outages, and, as the late Frank Zappa said, necessity is the mothers of invention. The Energizer Corporation, always trolling for PR, erected a statue of Alessandro in the Piazza di Volta. Judging by Alessandro's dress and pose, I would guess he discovered AC/DC (no, not the band) as well.
I saw UN schwarzkoptermeister Heinie Assen the other day. Heinie looked miserable. When I inquired as to the reason, he replied that the recent USA elections had really depressed him. Why? Well, he explained, now that the Democrats' power has been reduced, his beloved schwarzkopters' role will likely be greatly diminished. Seems that those liberal Democrats gave Heinie and his schwarzkopters carte blanche to fly about the USA, annoying people and fomenting unrest among certain elements of USA society. Alas, no more fun! He went on to say that the UN's secret base in northern Idaho would have to be closed and that future UN plans to confiscate all privately-owned guns in the USA would also be shelved. And, to add insult to injury, he is being replaced by an American, Mike Easter, who hails from Coeur d'Alene, ID. Mike's job will be to dismantle most of the schwarzkopter unit. And what about Heinie? He's been offered a sinecure as part-time security director for the Kurt Waldheim Institute for Law and Orders, and he gets to keep his Commissary pass.
A few weeks ago the UN had a display called "The World from Space" which had satellite photos of many great cities - Cairo, Paris, Akron, London, Buffalo, et al. I went in one Sunday and noticed that someone had defaced the photo of Baghdad, having written in things like "Anthrax Sporz Hear", "Nookulear Boms Hier", "Saddam's House", "CNN's Hotel", and the like. As I walked past the display, I thought I caught a glimpse of Dick Cheney slipping into the men's room.
National elections are on 24 November. The posters and faces look similar, but the language is German. One poster has three rather stern-looking people with the slogan: "Austria: No Ifs or Buts" (Butts?). This was from the Freedom Party - "Austria for Austrians" types. The Green Party has an interesting poster - a man in the Austrian equivalent of a plaid shirt, with the "Yasser Arafat" beard, glasses, looking pensive. The slogan says something (but not much) about the future. I guess it's for thinkers.
The IAEA inspectors are in a lather about the impending "field trip"
to Iraq. There is a lot of activity. I have enjoyed making fun of the Safeguards
and Inspections folks, but believe me, these folks earn their money and deserve
our thanks. So what if they cool their Heinekens in the sink? They work with
hazardous materials, and Iraq aside, they often have to work in countries that
don't want them around. I tip my hat to them. Yes, as one fellow said, they
are getting back into the game after four years. If only it were a game.
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