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by Michael E. Campana
(being a semi-truthful account of my sabbatical adventures, designed to amuse and to be read with a dose of skepticism)
2 December 2002
We spent the past few days working on an important environmental problem. Using the IAEA's most powerful supercomputer, the latest approaches to dispersion of dyes in water bodies and transit time calculations in sewer systems and rivers, plus a couple of empty beer cans we found in the men's room, we figured that if half the women in Vienna washed their hair within a half-hour of each other, in seven days the Black Sea would have to be renamed the Red Sea. And you still wonder why the USA doesn't pay its back UN dues?
Austrian elections were greeted with relief by much of Europe, mainly because it was Sunday and nothing much happens anyway. I know, in the USA no one cares. What was significant was that Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel's center-right People's Party won about 43% of the vote (four parties were running). Pollsters had predicted he would be beaten by the center-left Social Democrats, who garnered about 37%. By the way, what's a "Social Democrat"? Ted Kennedy? So is Al Gore an "Unsocial Democrat"? But I digress. The left-out Greens pulled down 9%, but the biggest (and most pleasant) surprise of all was that Joerg Haider's right-reich Freedom Party got about 10%. Haider, who is fond of Hitler and makes Pat Buchanan look like a leftist, became the 600-pound gorilla of Austrian politics and persona non grata in mainstream Europolitics when his party garnered 27% in the 1999 elections, forcing the People's Party into a coalition government. Haider undoubtedly lost votes by flying to Baghdad thrice recently to meet with Saddam Hussein, but most likely, people just got tired of his rants. What will happen next is that Schuessel's party can form a coalition with any of the other three, probably the Social Democrats, because they have better parties.
Had a great time visiting my German friends in Stuttgart (actually Heilbronn, but Stuttgart has more cachet). My hotel in Heilbronn was next to a bakery, where I noticed that "Berliners" (cheaper than Wieners!), similar to our jelly donuts, were on sale. I had heard of, but never seen, a "Berliner". Why do I broach this topic? Well, I was reminded of JFK's famous "Ich bin ein Berliner!" speech at the Berlin Wall over 40 years ago. What that meant to the Germans was "I am a jelly donut!", because he used the indefinite article "ein" - that is verboten in German when you are saying what nationality you are ("Ich bin Amerikaner") or where you are from ("Ich bin Wiener"). But I suspect the Berliners understood what he meant quite well. Just be glad he didn't make that speech in Vienna - "Ich bin ein Wiener!" I've always wondered if someone lost his/her job for that gaffe. So where did I learn this useless bit of trivia? Certainly not in my college German class, taught by Fraulein Morgan - I remember nothing about that class except her miniskirts and German with a Southern accent. My sophomore solid geometry teacher, Mr. Brady, in whose class I sat when the news of JFK's assassination came over the PA system, indicated JFK's mistake to us a few days after JFK was killed. At least he waited a few days; Mr. Brady was that kind of guy (a Nixon supporter).
Speaking about translating things into other languages: I read that the recent tiff between Tony "Are you sure I can't hold your coat?" Blair and Jacques "Whasssup?" Chirac was partly caused by Tony's "approximate" command of French. TB apparently said something insulting to JC when he thought he was saying something nice. The article reminded us that, just a few years ago, Tony, while attempting to explain to the French press corps that he was envious of French Prime Minister Lionel Jospin, said "J'ai envie de Lionel", which translated as "I desire Lionel" (we're not talking toy trains here). Betcha Cherie (Mrs. Blair) was surprised, or maybe not. Certainly the journalists were.
While walking about with my German friends in Heidelberg we had occasion to be served by a very surly waitress at one of the restaurants (What? A surly waitperson? In Europe?). As we left, one of the German women with us said something to the waitress, obviously not very pleasant. When I asked her what she said, she replied matter-of-factly, "I called her a stupid cow". Oh.
Things have calmed down here at the IAEA, a cause for great relief. Aside from my imminent departure, it's because the slackers have been shipped off to Iraq on the inspection team, leaving behind their usual mess in the restrooms. Being threatened with transfer to Iraq or duty on Georgia's cesium-137 canister "search committee" is the IAEA's version of the FBI threatening its agents with transfer to Butte, MT - a dead end. Trouble is, in this case, you can take that literally.
Seriously - it's interesting (disconcerting?) to note that there are only 300 inspectors on the entire Iraq mission, and only 100 will be in country at any given moment. The IAEA will handle the nuclear inspections and other experts will handle the search for chemical, biological and other weapons of mass destruction. One of the inspectors, a USA citizen recommended by our State Department, has no specialized science degree related to the mission but is a leader in several S&M sex clubs such as the Leather Leadership Conference - apparently the folks at Foggy Bottom (an appropriate synonym for State if I ever heard one) thought this was an organization of U.S. Marines. I guess he heads the entertainment committee. So you can see we're in good hands, so to speak. And speaking of good Hans, Dr. Hans Blix, former IAEA Director General, is in charge. Not everyone (mainly the USA) has a great deal of faith in Blix, because as IAEA DG in the 1980s he was apparently duped by Iraq, proclaiming it to be nuclear free, which later proved to be untrue. Ooops! So I repeat - we are indeed in good Hans. But, hey, at least he can pronounce "nuclear" correctly, and that's what counts.
I am thrilled to have Dr. Henry "The Truth" Kissinger chairing the committee to examine the intelligence failures surrounding 9/11. We're sure to get at the bottom of things with Dr. K in charge. I am reminded of one of his sayings, "Anything that will be revealed eventually should be revealed immediately," advice he assiduously followed while a public servant.
One of my Honduran friends emailed me to say that the VP of Honduras wants to meet me when I am down there (Damn! Now I'll have to take a coat and tie!) and talk about water problems. My friend provided me with the VP's email address, which I promptly used to send the VP a message. So what happened? It bounced - "Unknown recipient"! I thought, well, I guess they had a coup. Fortunately, the fax number seemed to work. This is actually for real - the VP, Vicente Williams Agasse, is an engineer with special responsibility for water (talk about a tough job). I'll just tell him what I told them in Belize. Water problems? No hay problema! Can you spell P-E-R-R-I-E-R?
I spent a couple of days in Paris over the last weekend in November. I had an appointment at UNESCO on 25 November. Rumors abounded of terrorist attacks - and those were just the French farmers threatening to drive their tractors into the nearest McDonald's. I was lucky to have returned to Vienna on 25 November on Austrian Airlines. Strikes, led by the truckers, started late on 25 November. The truckers were not asking for some paltry 5% raise. They wanted a shorter work week, more pay, earlier retirement at higher pay, better trucks, and 13th months of pay each year; the trucking companies were offering Happy Meal vouchers at McDonald's. To support the truckers, others went on strike: air traffic controllers, postal workers, prostitutes, telecom workers, children, train conductors, etc., although these folks were more concerned with privatization. Should've been a great time.
As I walked through the Montparnasse district the lines for the new James Bond flick were quite long - longer than the lines I stood in to see the Matisse-Picasso and Constable exhibits at the National Gallery. So much for French tastes. Michael Moore's "Bowling for Columbine" was playing in one theatre. I would have seen it but I had just missed the show and didn't want to wait 90 minutes for the next one. While walking along the Seine I looked for one of Jerry Van Dyke's tour boats but figured it either got stuck in one of the locks or more likely, the crew was out on strike.
For a moment, I thought my high-school French had failed me - I could not recall how to say "I'm sorry". Then I remembered - there is no expression for "I'm sorry" in French!
So who says that universities pay big bucks just to coaches? Jeffrey Sachs, an economist who received tenure at Harvard at the tender age of 28, was recently lured away from the nation's oldest college by Columbia University (who would be smart to pay for some better coaches). Sachs will head Columbia's Earth Institute, which employs 1000 people. He also gets an 8-million-dollar condo just off Manhattan's Central Park near Jerry Seinfeld's old place, where the university expects him to entertain literati, glitterati, intelligentsia, cognoscenti, but mainly people who are flat-out rich. The Earth Institute will emphasize sustainable development. When one of Sachs' former colleagues (not David Brookshire) heard that, he remarked that he had no idea what sustainable development meant, except that it's politically correct. Sachs gained fame in the 1980s and 1990s for promoting the "shock therapy" approach for the national economies of former Soviet-bloc states. That approach once again verified the adage "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." He apparently will take that attitude to Columbia. Wonder if Jeff's lifestyle will be "sustainable"? Guess it depends on what you mean by "sustainable".
Today I went to get my Meldezettel (foreigner registration) cancelled. I was ushered into the same office, but much was different. Gone were the posters of Tony Soprano, Bon Jovi and the Manhattan skyline. In their places were posters of the Stephansdom (the cathedral here), Chancellor Schuessel, and one of the Viennese palaces. Departed was the friendly Fraulein with the bright red hair; in her place was Frau Schmidt, imposing, imperious and staring disapprovingly at my red, purple and black cycling tights. I gave the usual greeting and asked that my Meldezettel be cancelled. She snorted something in German as I placed my passport and documents on her desk. I remember thinking that I was glad to be leaving. As she scrutinized my documents and punched up my records, a smile began to form. I thought perhaps she might have something interesting on the screen - Brad Pitt's homepage, or maybe Wolfgang Schuessel's. She looked at me and said in perfect English "I see my daughter checked you in". I asked how she was, and she said that she was fine and had decided to take a job in New York City with an Austrian company. We chatted for a minute, and that was that.
Like me, you have been disgusted by the events in Nigeria, where mobs went on a rampage in the northern Muslim state of Kaduna, killing over 200, ostensibly because a Nigerian newspaper reporter, making light of Muslim protests, wrote that Mohammed himself would have approved of the Miss World contest and probably would have chosen a wife from the contestants. Now I don't apologize for the murderous mobs, but this horrible event was the result of multiple converging lines of utter stupidity and insensitivity. You have to question the wisdom of a Nigerian journalist writing something like that in an area where religious violence is endemic, and her editor for allowing it to get in print. I also question the intelligence and sensitivity of the pageant organizers for holding a beauty contest (like we need beauty contests) in a heavily Muslim country right on the heels of Ramadan. Finally, there are the mobs, which found a convenient excuse for murder and property destruction. However, before you pillory Muslims, let me remind you that in one of the predominantly Christian states, the local government encourages gangs to decapitate suspected criminals and leave the bodies on the streets as deterrents.
How about some lighter (emphasis on "lighter") fare - the Royals! Yes, the British Royal Family members seem to be taking it upon themselves to keep us laughing. Do we care? Of course! The latest flap concerns Prince Philip's letters to the late Princess Diana, in which he apparently called her a "harlot" and a "trollop" (vehemently denied by PP). Now we know from whom Prince Charles inherited his letter-writing skills. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, or maybe lemon is more apropos. And then there's the business about a cover-up of homosexual rape on the Whiner of Windsor's staff. Prince Charles is also rumored to be enamored of Aussie songstress Kylie Minogue (Who? Think Britney Spears + 13 years). Charles' main squeeze, Camilla Toilette-Bowles, is apparently not amused. Lastly, we had the spectacle of Princess Anne the criminal, whose bull terrier Dotty bit two boys and pooped on the sidewalk. PA was hauled into court, where she pleaded guilty to this heinous affront to society. She thus becomes the first British royal to be convicted of a criminal offense in more than 350 years (the last one was decapitated, I believe, but Anne was spared this ignominy - the court said it would serve no useful purpose). What this illustrates is that the Royal Family has access to very good attorneys - no Dewey, Cheatham and Howe for them - and sympathetic courts. Boy, I'm going miss being in Europe!
There is no way I can top the Royals, so it's time to close. I've had a most enjoyable time here and my IAEA hosts have been most gracious. I've learned a lot, but know less about sustainable development than when I arrived (sorry, David). Thanks to all of you for indulging me and my reports, and to Mary Frances for tolerating my peregrinations. I leave here on 4 December and will be in the USA till mid/late January or so. If you missed any of these, Jim Connolly has been kind enough to link them on my E&PS WWW page at epswww.unm.edu/facstaff/aquadoc/home.htm; future ones will be posted there, too. This will likely be the last missive (unless something exciting happens in the next two days) till sometime in late February, when I will be in Central America. I suspect those reports might be quite interesting.
Auf wiedersehen aus Wien!
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